It was a dark and stormy night….
No, actually, it wasn’t. It was a fresh, bright, balmy morning, unseasonably warm for early March in Wyoming. I walked across well-kept grounds toward my appointment and checked my watch. Ten minutes early; just enough time to enjoy the fresh breeze and watch the ornamental grasses dance! I walked around the building a few times, just drinking in the sunshine and enjoying rare moments alone. Ken was home, serving breakfast to the children, and moments of silence–even for dull appointments–are music to a busy mom.
Finally, I entered the doors of a beautiful, downtown building. Leisurely, I filled out some forms, gazing out the window. So enchanted was I with the weather, that when the technician came to walk me back, I chatted with her, inquiring whether she was able to take her lunch-break outside.
I had an ultrasound that morning. The monitor revealed a large (3cm x 4cm) breast tumor, with every indication of malignancy possible. Walking back out into the sunshine, many concerns flooded my mind, and yet, in surreal juxtaposition, there was peace. Somehow, despite swirling thoughts of treatments and statistics, God enabled me to still register the beauty around me in all it’s sparkling vividness. Ornamental grasses still swayed in gentle testimony to beauty and order in the universe, and the morning sun glinted on the windshields in the parking lot. Yes, I was surprised–staggered even–at this diagnosis, but God, loving, sovereign and omniscient, was not surprised. It is part of His design. Just as I’d done upon entering, I strolled around the grounds once more, amazed at the blessings in my life, at my loving husband, dear friends, and the beautiful children who fill our hearts and home! My eyes misted with tears at the unknowns, yet, I knew I was also smiling; poignantly aware of myriad joys.
I don’t mean this to sound like I’m blithely floating on euphoric clouds. There is, however, a gift of eternal perspective that accompanies such life-altering news. A wise friend’s note in my morning inbox expressed it so poetically:
“We understand the mindset you might be in right now… clinging to God, taking every thought captive, striving with self to not be overcome with the “What if” possibilities. Everything is in focus: the little blessings of home life, all that the children do & say. Clearly you could count your blessings from the rising of the sun til it’s setting! Oh! That we could be this aware of our standing in Christ daily. But we get bogged down until times like this come along and we are reminded that we live and move and have our being by God’s good pleasure and to fulfill His timing and purposes!” -S
My deep assurance is that God is sovereign and loving even amid the moments of just plain weariness when I’m so aware of my own insufficiency. Indeed, awareness of my insufficiency reminds me of God’s supreme sufficiency. I’ve played the song, Worn, by Tenth Avenue North almost daily, for it captures both the gritty, in-the-trenches aspects, and the assurance that redemption wins!
(*Scroll past the video to keep reading, but then, scroll back up and hit the “play” button, because it’s a beautiful song.)
In the few weeks since that early morning diagnosis, I’ve had other appointments to formulate a treatment plan. It’s a serious condition, and we are taking it very seriously–yet, we can’t ignore the beautiful sunshine of truth that there is sense and order in this–even if the purpose eludes my finite comprehension. God is faithful and good.
We’d appreciate prayers as we navigate the turbulence ahead. We have a great team of doctors, both in conventional practice and in our amazing naturopath. Most importantly, we ultimately rest in the knowledge that Our God is the Great Physician, our loving Father, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
Dark and stormy nights may bluster, but even the wind and waves obey Him.